Its whatever

I love Jesus. And I have finally come to realize that I finally do. I never understood what it means to be like "He gives me peace", but I finally realize I always have known.
Its like no matter what you're going through, you know at the end of the day he has something in store for you past your problems. No matter how stressed out you are, you can always rest assured that God is still God and he never changes. One day, you will be able to rest forever and none of this nonsense will matter. Jesus is the freaking BOMB and I love him and the peace that I can't explain that he gives me. Everything will be alright. So this psychology test, journalism test, and speech that are all due as soon as the school week starts that are gonna kick my non existant butt is WHATEVER.

do not awaken love

I am determined to keep looking until I find someone who doesn't display a look of shock and disgust when I say I didn't vote for Obama. That being black isn't the most important thing when choosing a president. And that before I am black, I am a Christian. Also, I hate ignorance, I hate people obsessed with conspiracy theories when you couldn't possibly know anymore than what anyone else knows but stomps around as they do. I hate that even Christians turn a blind eye to what's going on in the middle east despite what they claim to believe in the Bible.

whatever. I don't care how judgemental this is. this is my blog

bound

I realized that way too often, I define myself on a scale and not on a 'this-or-that'.
I like to walk ever so moderately down the book of guidelines. Not really on the DO side, but not really on the DON'T side. Just right down the middle. I define the things I do in my life in terms of technicality and not righteousness. With God, its black and white. There is no 'kind of right'. Yet, I try to kind of do the right thing at the same time. I fear that I am far more self righteous then I make myself out to be. I think I am such a good person because I haven't had sex yet. I think I'm a good person because I am a Christian swimming in a pond of Agnostic-mystic-eastern-liberals and still "keeping my faith". I think I am a good person because I own a Bible and read it when I'm feeling like today's the day that a connection will be made. I think I am a good person because I am willing to talk to people about God, give a homeless person money, and work on not drinking instead of accepting the fact that I'm in college and that's just what we do.

But I'm not a good person. Not a good person at all. I'm a saved person. A forgiven person. But I'm not good.

Anyway, I digress. I am tired of walking borderline with God. Because I feel he then walks borderline with me. Its like I feel that God's rules are laws instead of love-guidelines. In laws, there is a spirit of the law. Kind of like, If you go 10 over on the interstate, its okay. If you go a little too far with your love interest, its okay, so long as you don't have sex. That isn't okay. Because if I really cared about what God thought, I wouldn't even walk close to that line.
But that's the thing. I DO care about what God has to say and the plans he has for me and how that makes him feel. But I just can't stop doing things that I know aren't right.


Anyway. All of that was too much information.

Micah 6:8: 2009

To be real and to the point. I struggle with many things. I've not been open and honest about them. I liked to keep them secret so I could be the 'good christian', but I want to be done with them. Plus, even the good christian is seen as a used tampon in comparison to God. Don't judge me. I can talk about it because I am over doing it.

In 2009 I will stop party-drinking. One or two drinks when I'm out to a meal, but no more than that ever. And even then, rarely.
In 2009 I will not smoke cigarettes or pot.
In 2009 I will get rid of all my lustful strongholds
In 2009 I will stop indulging in all of my food-related desires.
In 2009 I will make every attempt to stop being impatient, stubborn, quick to get angry, and closed off.
In 2009 I will start being healthy and taking care of my body.
In 2009 I will focus on school, keep my room cleaned, and be more organized.
In 2009 I will make every effort to seek out God and give him what he paid for.

In 2009 I will do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.

Leah

So. I know this is lame. But I wrote a song about Leah. The Leah in the Bible. If you don't know the story you should read it. I think I am the only person who feels sorry for Leah...haha. Anyway, I know its not really that good but since I have nothing else to post... :


jacob where are you
oh jacob are you far
oh jacob wont you come back to our
bed
i loved you first
i was here first
i know you were decieved
i know you were coerced
to take me

jacob
I know I'm plain and homely
but see my pain and hold me
that is my plea
even my father thinks nobody else will have me
but we could be so happy
I love you my master my leige
forget about Rachel and take me
just take me, oh, Jacob
Oh, Jacob, just take me.

you dont sleep in our bed no more
not even a smile my way no more
i know you love my sister more
i heard you kissing through the door
you worked for her for seven years
I must admit, that's cavalier
but where's your badges now my dear
could you spare some love for me my dear?
i know im not a pretty sight
but could you love me as your wife
could you love me as your wife
you said her name while you slept last night

Life currently.

This Christmas break has not been so good. For many reasons that I will not get into because they are petty and stupid. But one of the biggest reasons is that I am lonely. Sure I have a lot of friends, but they seem so distant. Or that we don't really connect. Or that they have their own circle of friends and I am just a random friend. Lame. I know it probably won't change- I don't want to have to force any one to be my friend. I know I have lots of them, but it seems that I don't have friends the same way I used to - or they way anyone else seems to.

On another note, all I do is work. All the time. I feel like I'm working to live even though I never really get to experience the living part. Although, when I'm not working, I'm bored at home moping about my sad life. So its a lose-lose situation.

I know all of this is lame and uninteresting. I think the next post I make will be a short story or an slice of one of my stories or a song that I've written or a poem (I know there are no commas in that), because those, although pretty bad, are not as boring as what is going on in my life right now. Haha. :)

Because

I'm trying to watch my steps. But that isn't as easy if you're doing it in the moment...so I figure, "Why not keep a journal so you can look back at what you've done."

To me, this is more mature and revelant than like...xanga.
Less flamboyant than myspace or facebook.
Kind of private but definitely accessible. :) Just the way I like it..

I have a lot to say, a journal is something I need...but writing just takes a lot of the punch out, you know? Typing is so much easier, but I feel like whenever I post something on a VERY public venue such as myspace or facebook, I find myself deleting it right after because I feel like people are wondering why I am complaining so publicly...etc. This way, they know what they're getting into before they click the link. No one can be like,"Stop complaining! No one cares!" etc...cause, well, it's my journal! >:)

Anyway, if I stay true to how I always am, this will probably be the first post of 6 today, and then I'll never post again. But lets hope (well I hope) that isn't the case.

-Gabrielle