bound

I realized that way too often, I define myself on a scale and not on a 'this-or-that'.
I like to walk ever so moderately down the book of guidelines. Not really on the DO side, but not really on the DON'T side. Just right down the middle. I define the things I do in my life in terms of technicality and not righteousness. With God, its black and white. There is no 'kind of right'. Yet, I try to kind of do the right thing at the same time. I fear that I am far more self righteous then I make myself out to be. I think I am such a good person because I haven't had sex yet. I think I'm a good person because I am a Christian swimming in a pond of Agnostic-mystic-eastern-liberals and still "keeping my faith". I think I am a good person because I own a Bible and read it when I'm feeling like today's the day that a connection will be made. I think I am a good person because I am willing to talk to people about God, give a homeless person money, and work on not drinking instead of accepting the fact that I'm in college and that's just what we do.

But I'm not a good person. Not a good person at all. I'm a saved person. A forgiven person. But I'm not good.

Anyway, I digress. I am tired of walking borderline with God. Because I feel he then walks borderline with me. Its like I feel that God's rules are laws instead of love-guidelines. In laws, there is a spirit of the law. Kind of like, If you go 10 over on the interstate, its okay. If you go a little too far with your love interest, its okay, so long as you don't have sex. That isn't okay. Because if I really cared about what God thought, I wouldn't even walk close to that line.
But that's the thing. I DO care about what God has to say and the plans he has for me and how that makes him feel. But I just can't stop doing things that I know aren't right.


Anyway. All of that was too much information.